Studying in Durham
The How to "To How Not"
Hatfield students are encouraged to embrace a wide range of new and wonderful activities whilst in Durham, from pool, to buying red trousers, to rowing! Of course, none of these are why you’re here, probably. For your time here to be judged a success by your family you’ll need to acquire a degree in something so that they can pretend you’re in charge of the off-shore business near Bermuda because of your intellect and not simply because you’ll keep doing what they tell you and met plenty of like-minded fellows in your time here.
Hill-college wisdom suggests that the best way to get a degree is to turn up to lectures, think, ask questions of the staff, and work hard to impress them and expand your own mind. We were unable to verify this method with any Hatfield alumni and so choose not to trust those plebs. No. We’ve found various other methods to allow you to maximize your time in the boat clubs (both our own, and the bar by the river) whilst still leaving here with a 2:2 or above (after all, a Third isn’t really a degree unless you’re from the North). This way you can receive your true education of spending time with the rugby lads like Pedo and Nutsack while you perfect the drinking games that outrage feminists so much. This may actually be a crucial life skill as they apparently allow women into boardrooms now, probably to clean them or something.
Like we’ve said, trying this will make you a strange man in Hatfield and we’re not even convinced it will work. If you want to be a loony lefty and actually earn your qualifications rather than just take it as your birth right like the rest of us, you probably don’t belong here. Maybe try Cuths. Not the bit on the bailey though. The other one they set up for miners’ kids to learn to read in. Most of us will think you a weirdo if you do insist on it, so keep it to yourself and do it alone in your room like self pleasure, vegetarianism, or writing home to mummy.
Hark back to the traditional way
Pick a Pleb
Getting up to go to lectures is hard, so it seems fitting that it should be done by lesser people and not you. This college has a fine tradition of its students getting to know the boffins at other colleges by persuading them to do the work for you. With the right motivation, it can be easy to get them to attend your lectures, sign you into tutorials, do your assignments and maybe even take exams for you (choice of pleb can be crucial here because if they’re registered to do your modules as well they might be taking their own exam when they should be doing yours). Hill College students are normally impoverished enough to do this for you, particularly the ones with no friends. If you pretend to think they’re a gent or buy them drinks every month they tend to do as you ask. Money also works for some reason. If you choose this method it can be useful to attend the introductory lecture at the beginning of your first term so you can identify the most suitable workers for your degree.
The paper to grease hands
This works as you’d expect really. Lecturers have been going on strike lately because they don’t get paid enough for sitting down and thinking all day, so most of them should be receptive / desperate to accept small change (£100 - £1000 or so, depending on how senior they are in the department) to hand you a pass. Some claim to have principles though so the JCR has been compiling a list of these dangerously socialist barriers to our success for years. With our help you can avoid failing even when your pleb just isn’t enough.